Everyday, Fitness, minimalism, Running, Vegan

Living with intention

I want to live a more intentional life.  I want to eat better.  I want to love harder.  I want to exercise and get faster.  I want to cut out the crap and be more inline with my personal values.

I know today is actually June 5th, but for me it marks the start of many things.  For awhile now I have gotten a little off track with my eating (don’t worry still vegan, but being vegan doesn’t automatically mean being healthy) and with my exercise.  I want to incorporate better food choices into my diet and get back into my running after a brief, but very much-needed break.  I also haven’t been to the gym since maybe November?  My work picked up and my hours changed to a point that I couldn’t get motived to workout.  To be honest with myself, yes work did pick up, but I am still working under 30 hours a week, so not having enough time is not an excuse.  And my hours did change, but truth be told, it’s more about me not wanting to wake my ass up earlier to hit the gym!

Having a good balance between food and exercise is very important.  Even though I haven’t been eating as well, I am by no means overweight, but I have noticed that my muscle to fat ratio has changed.  Last summer I actually weighed more but the extra pounds were from the extra muscle I had built.  I would like to build back some of the lean muscle I have lost in the past 6 months.  I am not sure what I am going to do about the gym; whether I am going to rejoin or join a different one, but I am going to get back into my running, actually starting today.  I have joined an 8 week speed work program that meets every Monday and Wednesday at 6:30pm.  I don’t particularly like speed work.  It is hard and the Central Texas summer weather doesn’t make it any easier, but I am more motived to get back into it because it is a group effort.  I have a couple close friends that are joining the group and our coach, is my trainer from the gym that I have been friends with for over 3 years now.  Plus if you can run in the summer you will be in tip-top form for when the fall/winter races start back up again!

As far as food goes, I am going to try to focus more on whole foods; getting in more fruits and especially more vegetables.  Last week I went to see my new doctor (Dr. Linda Carney in Buda, TX) because I was having issues with dizziness, foggy mind, and my cycle had been going  a little wack-a-do these past few months.  Dr. Carney is a 100% plant-based, vegan doctor.  So many people have raved about her in the Central Texas vegan community.  She is located about 40 miles from where I live, but after meeting her I have absolutely no issues with the distance.  She promotes healing through nutrition and tries to steer clear of medications whenever possible.  She ordered up about 15 different blood tests for me, to help her narrow down what/if anything is wrong.  I go back to hear my results on Wednesday!  This doctors visit was the first one I was ever excited to go to.  I had no anxiety and I can’t wait to find out what blood tests say.  Dr. Carney had a great “bedside manner”.  She sat and went over a bunch of different things with me for probably over 40 minutes.  Asked a lot of questions and took notes on our whole meeting.  Her office has plant based resources everywhere.  From Forks Over Knives posters on the walls, to a book shelf full of plant based authors (many of whom’s books I currently own) and a website for clients filled with even more plant based nutrition information.

I mentioned that my female cycle has been off for a little while now.  Nothing too extreme but sometimes, somethings are just too much to let go unnoticed.  I ordered a book called:  “WomanCode:  Perfect Your Cycle, Amplify Your Fertility, Supercharge Your Sex Drive, and Become a Power Source” by Alisa Vitti.  The author takes a very close look at how what you eat during your 4 stages of your cycle (yes I said 4 stages) can affect your overall health.  While she doesn’t promote being 100% vegan, I am curious to read about what foods she suggests to eat when and then why.  I do not plan on adding animal products back to my diet but I am open to reading as much information as I can about how what we eat can affect who we are.   The book has great reviews, so hopefully I won’t be too disappointed at the mention of animal products.

One more thing that I am finding to be more and more important to my overall health and welfare is just living my own life.  Cutting out things that don’t add to it and focusing more on things that do.  I realized this past weekend that I had spent a lot of time on social media.  That time could have been used for far more important things.  I literally could have written this blog yesterday and then had time to write another one today.  I could have spent more time with all of our fur-babies more evenly (we recently got two new kittens and our rabbit I think has been feeling a little left out).  I could have went out and bought the rose-bush that we wanted to commemorate the passing of our 13-year-old kitty, Raspberry.  I could have read more.  Talked with my husband more.  Or just enjoyed the silence, that comes with the lack of social media clutter.  (OMG I just realized that I just checked my Facebook page, oh my phone, while typing this on my laptop!)  It is time to disconnect a little.  The Minimalist talk about how they both took all social media off of their phones and only allow themselves 30 mins or so a day to scroll through their feeds while on their computers/iPads.  I mean do we really need that much information at the tip of our fingers at any given moment?  No.  I know for a fact we don’t because I am old enough to say that I grew up without the internet (until I was in High School) and without a cell phone (until I was out of High School).  (OMG I literally just did it again!  Something live came across my feed so I had to click on it!)  We have become like Pavlov’s Dog when we hear our phone “tweet”;  we are zombie slaves to our little glowing screens.  It is time to make a change.  So besides changing up diet and exercise, I am going to delete all social media platforms from my phone for the rest of the month.  Hopefully I will live to share the accounts of my actions with you all.

Oh and one more thing I forgot to add is that I will also be cutting back on all alcohol and caffeine intake as well!  Man, when I set out to do something, I really know how to go to the extremes, don’t I?  Honestly, I don’t drink much of either substance.  Alcohol I am eliminating just from the weekdays, and will only have a drink with dinner on the weekends.  And the only source of caffeine I have is from my morning tea, but I also have plenty of decaf teas and herbal teas that I can use as substitutes if needed.  I love having the will power to make these changes in my life.  I am the master of going “cold turkey” and I can’t wait to see how I feel about everything in a month.  If you have changed up anything that you consider pretty drastic in your life, please feel free to share your story in the comments!

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Everyday

Changing who is in control

Change is a necessary evil in life.  It can be so hard and so rewarding all at once.

Without going into great detail, my husband and I went to our therapy session last night and one thing that we discussed was being able to let go of control.  No one likes to feel like they are out of control, but there is a fine line that you walk when it comes to just controlling your actions and not trying to control the actions of another.

We discovered, when you inadvertently try to control another person, it can really change the dynamic of the relationship you have with that person.  For example, a husband and wife can turn into a parent and child relationship if one person is trying to control the other.  Most people don’t even realize what they are doing because, of course, we always think we are just trying to do whats best for our partner.  But maybe what we think is best for them, really isn’t.  And maybe it isn’t our job to point those things out.  Of course couples (or anyone in any type of relationship with another person:  parent/child, friends, boss/employee, etc) need to be able to express their thoughts and feelings about certain situations with their partners.  The person on the receiving end is also allowed to voice their opinions and feelings.  When we run into issues is when we try to persuade each other that our thoughts and feelings are more valid than theirs.

Trying to let go of this learned behavior is a challenge all of its own.  The dynamic of trying to control others is learned.  In both of our cases, but in very different ways, we experienced being controlled or watching people in our lives be controlled, as children.  My husband’s experience with control was that he never really had any control over himself as a child.  He was deprived his “voice” from a young age and with his lack of control, came fear.  My experience with control as a child was a little different.  As an only child, I personally always felt like I was in control of everything that I did because I didn’t need to worry about one of my peers/siblings telling me otherwise.  But I witnessed (what I feel was) the imbalance of control in my parents.  I had to laugh when our therapist asked where I felt like I learned about control in my childhood?  My response was “mom was always in control of everything”.  I literally laughed out loud just thinking about it.  I grew up in a household where if momma wasn’t happy, then no one was!  (I love you very much mother, and this is not a negative reflection of you, just the truth from a child’s eyes.)

As a side note, my mother had also learned about control with negative connotations.  She was forced to have to take control of her own life and her mother’s life/wellbeing at a seemingly young age when her father passed away unexpectedly.  My grandmother and mother both experienced a huge lack of control in their lives when this happened.  My grandmother succumbed to her fears, which unfortunately left my mother to pick up the pieces.  Right when she probably felt the greatest lack of control in her life (facing the loss of a parent), my mother was forced to literally shift from being a daughter to being a parent/partner to her mother.  She had to take care of everything because her mother couldn’t deal with the traumatic loss.  It was sink or swim situation and unfortunately it shaped her perception of control from that day forward.

Later in our session we discussed my blog post from yesterday about letting my husband drive my car (my baby).  The anxiety I was feeling from this was literally just control rearing its evil head again.  I was anxious because once that car left our house, I had no control over what could happen to it.  My husband could spill coffee in it.  Someone could park too close to it and dent our door with theirs.  It could hail today.   Those things could still happen to me as well, but in my head, I felt like I could prevent (control the outcome) them from happening if I was there.

Learning to deal with the anxiety of letting go of control is very uncomfortable but very necessary.  Later in our session my husband said he wished that I could better understand the traumas that he went through as a child.  That if I could just understand I would be able to understand why he does the things he does and how hard it is for him to change those negative actions.  I told him, that even though I may never know what he went through, I do understand how hard it is to change.  My letting him drive my car is not the same as the lack of control he had over himself when he was a child.  I explained to him that I understood that.  But the anxiety and uncomfortable feelings that come with trying to change one’s self is universal.  Letting go of past negative connotations can be very difficult.  Any form of change can be difficult.

But without change, there can be no growth; and without growth, nothing changes.

I think light bulbs went on in both of our heads last night.  We changed the way we looked at each other and ourselves.  We learned that our relationship is much more important than the control we try to inflict on each other.  I also learned that even though people can come from very different backgrounds we all face the same struggles as humans.  That was very eye opening and also a very good topic for another day……

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Everyday, minimalism

With logical decisions, comes illogical anxiety

I was feeling so anxious last night.  My husband and I made a very logical decision.  But I had to keep telling myself it was a logical and very responsible decision.  It didn’t require a whole lot of thought or work to achieve and in the end it will probably save us some money.  Then why is it so hard to feel ok about it?  Why do I feel like I am missing out on something?  Why do I feel like I am turning my back to an old friend?  Why am I giving such deep emotion to a car?  Yes, you heard me right….. a car.

Let me explain a little.

So last year, we decided to try being a one vehicle family.  We traded in both of our current vehicles and bought a new 2016 model.  Since I was working so close to home (literally less than a half mile) we thought only having one car for a while just made sense.  We picked out a new car, with all the bells a whistles and shared it for over 6 months.  In that time, if I needed the car I would just take my husband to work and then pick him up later, thus giving me the car the rest of the day.  Or when I didn’t need to go too far I would either ride my bicycle or my motor scooter.  Over time, my work and social life started to pick up a little more and we also realized that we were putting the miles of two cars onto one, so later in the year we bought a second car (a 2017).  This would be my car.  By the time we got the second car, the 2016 was a year old and had over 20,000 miles on it!  (That is about double what an average person drives in a year.)  Now, after 4 months of having my own car, we realized that I still don’t drive as much as my husband does.  By the time the 2017 would be a year old it MIGHT have 7000 miles on it.

In comes the logical decision.

This past weekend I really got to thinking about the general maintenance for each vehicle.  We have extended service warranties on both vehicles and they are mileage based.  Basically, so many services, every 5000 miles, for so many years.  Well my husband had already used 4 of his services in the first year alone, while I hadn’t even used my first one yet.  So I thought, why not switch cars to balance out the mileage for a little while?  I mean I basically picked out both cars and liked both of them anyways, so what difference would it make which one I drove?  Makes sense right?  Of course it does.  But then why do I feel so much anxiety about such an easy decision?

Because I am still learning about how to not place feelings and emotions into inanimate objects.

I have always loved cars.  I’ve had so many cars in my 20 some years of driving that I would run out of fingers and toes if I tried to count them all.  And I literally loved some of them; gave them names and kept them in spotless condition.  Now my husband… not so much.  He likes cars as a daily tool, but never really cared too much overall about what he drove.  Just not his thing.  To him, a car, is literally just a thing.  He takes care of his car ok, but nothing like the way I do.  My cars have always been clean, inside and out.  I love trying to keep that new car smell for as long as possible.  I park far away in parking lots to avoid door dings and I visit the car wash often.  If I run over a curb, first thing I do is pray to the car gods that I haven’t scratched my wheels.  Again, my husband not so much.  He doesn’t necessarily “trash” our cars he just views them as what they are; a tool for getting from one place to another, carrying whatever needs to be carried; whether it be people or objects, nothing more, nothing less.  If some coffee gets spilled or a window gets left rolled down, no big deal.  But my car is almost like my pet.  I tend to personify them and when I drive my car I view it as an extension of myself.  Like my noble steed.  So having to “give up” my new “baby” after only 4 short months feels like, like…. I don’t know.  I can’t explain it.  Like I am saying goodbye to an old friend after a short, but over due, visit.  Which is crazy because the car will come home everyday to our house.  It’s not like I sold it to a stranger or dropped it off at the scrap metal yard!

I guess maybe the anxiety comes from a lack of control.  I can’t control how my husband will treat my car.  I know he isn’t as mindful with our vehicles, but I also know he understands how I like to keep them in good condition.  He wouldn’t do anything on purpose to “damaged” the car, but I just feel like I am more careful.  Whether that is actually true or not, I really can’t judge.  Maybe since I don’t drive as much and my car doesn’t get as much ware and tear, it gives me a false sense of validity that I take care of it better?

So after switching out our things from each car, and parking my “new” vehicle in the garage (what will my car think having to spend the night outside?) we came in and got ready for bed.  I started to talked to my husband in a very serious manner.  I really wanted him to understand that I wasn’t messing around and that I was really struggling with this new idea.  I truly think he did try his best to understand my anxiety.  He told me that he understood that it’s always been very important for me to take really good care of my vehicles even before he knew me.  He said that he remembered me explaining to him that “a car is your second biggest investment to your house” and that he could understand why I would have some reservations about all this.  But he did remind me that financially this was a good and logical choice (plus it was my idea in the first place).  Then he said something that really resonated with me.  Something that really made me think about how silly I was being for having such anxiety.  He said to me:

“Don’t let the things you own, own you.”

I couldn’t have said that better myself if I tried.  It was 100% on target with everything I had been trying to live by lately.  It was ok to appreciate the things that I had in my life but that was just it.  This car was a thing.  It was not a person or a pet; it was a thing.  Somewhere down the road I forgot that.  Sometime in my life, probably when I was younger, I took a turn and started to really place human emotions into an inanimate object.  I also was a guilty of letting what I drove speak for what kind of person I was.  I traded in cars left and right just to have the newest model with the newest gadgets.  Or something faster.  Or something bigger.  Or….  or….. or…… and so on and so forth.  Always looking for something else and never just being satisfied with what I already had.  I would literally ride the high of buying that new car but over time it would fade and I would need another “hit”.

Come to think of it, I went through a similar situation about two weeks ago.  My three-year old, iPhone 5s, had finally crapped out on me for the last time.  I had to face the music and go to the store to buy a new phone.  I had been holding off for months.  I really didn’t want a new phone.  While I was talking with the salesman, I felt that same sense of anxiety and loss of an old friend.  I loved that 5s.  It was paid off and in my opinion, just the perfect size and shape for me.  I felt like the new 7 couldn’t possibly take its place.  But here I am, weeks later and I don’t even think about the old phone any more.  I already bought a new case for it and several people have told me that they can hear me better when I talk to them on it.  The battery lasts a lot longer and it doesn’t just randomly shut itself off anymore.

Why do we do this?  Why do we “love” our things so much?  I mean we LOVE them.  The Minimalist have talked about this many, many times.  How can we use a word, that expresses such a deep emotion, so freely, on an object?  You love your parents, kids, pets, partners, PEOPLE (and animals); but to love a phone or a car?  That’s where the disconnect is.  That’s where we need to evolve more and check our priories.  We need to:

“Love people and use things, because the opposite never works.” -The Minimalist

Change isn’t easy and it is an ongoing process.  I heard my husband leave this morning in our car and I got hit with a little rush of anxiety again.  But after finishing this up and really putting things into a different perspective, I can say I feel a little better.  I feel like in a weird way doing things like this, letting go of my car, letting go of that control, is something I really needed to do in order to evolve a little bit more.

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Everyday, minimalism

Feeling grateful

Last night before I went to bed, I watched a Facebook live feed from Jason Wrobel.  The headline for the feed was “praying for what you don’t want”.  Jason talked about how so many times we tend to focus our thoughts on the bad things that are happening or could be happening in the future to us.  These thoughts are manifested into stress and anxiety and really do us no good at all.  They leave us inadvertently “praying for what you don’t want”.  Instead, he suggested that we be thankful for the things we have been blessed with in our everyday lives.  As well as to be genuinely happy for others and the things they have been blessed with.  Instead of judging people or being jealous of their gains, we should embrace them.  The more we embrace these things the more likely we are to bring those same joys and gains into our own lives.

Yesterday, I also starting reading a book called:  “Citizen Thoreau” by Henry David Thoreau.  It is a collection of Thoreau’s greatest short stories.  I know I am probably a little behind the times with discovering Thoreau.  I have heard over and over again that a lot of his work was required reading in high school and college.  Maybe he and I have crossed paths before, but I cannot recall.  In high school was probably not interested in his work because I hadn’t yet grown enough to really understand the world around me, as so many of us hadn’t at such a young age.  The main story that I was interested in is titled “Walden“.  I have only just started into it, but Thoreau touches on what our basic needs are as humans and how we forget just how little we actually require to live a fruitful and peaceful life.  We need shelter of course, and food.  Along with those things we need heat.  Heat to cook our food, warm our homes (shelters) and really not too much else.  But we live our day-to-day, working for so much more.  More luxury.  More things.  More than we ever could really ever need.  We trade our time, our lives, just to attain more stuff.

I learned of Thoreau through another set of people who I have been following, The Minimalist.  I have mentioned The Minimalist in a prior blog and have really been avid follower of them.  I have learned so much about living with less and because of that, being so much more grateful for all the things I already have in my life.  And a lot of these “things” are not things at all.

So, I woke up this morning and I got to thinking about all of the “riches” I have in my life;  that my husband and I share together.  So here I am.  I am even grateful for the fact that these thoughts brought me here today to share them with all of you.  I haven’t spent nearly as much time as I used to on my blog and that does sadden me.  I’m hoping to turn that around soon.  Today the fire was lit under me.  After having all these thoughts I just felt inspired to write.  Like if I hadn’t I would have regretted it and that was not how I wanted to choose to start my day or weekend.  So below is a list of everything (well probably not everything) that I feel grateful for today.  I hope by sharing this, maybe someone else, that maybe in a bad spot, may realize that they live a richer life then they once believed?

I am grateful for my husband.  He is a hard worker and has an amazing job.  He loves to provide for us and loves and cares very deeply for me.  We may not always get along or see things the same way but overall I know he is a wonderful man and I love growing with him everyday.

I am grateful for my friends.  I have a very (very) small group of friends but they are more like family to me.  And even though I may not spend a lot of time with them (I am more introverted in that way) I always feel like we just pick up right were we left off and that they have my back no matter what.

I am grateful for my fur-babies.  I have a wonderful cat named Sammi.  She and her sister Raspberry (who we had to say goodbye to about two months ago) have been the best little babies I could have ever asked for.  They followed me through the last 13 years of my life.  They have always been there through the good and the bad and I have always tried to do the best for them in return.  I cannot imagine life without pets.  I also have a rabbit that I love dearly.  I never thought I would be a mommy bunny but she came to us by the powers of the universe and I am glad to have her.  We are also adopting two sisters kittens next week that we are very excited about adding to our family.  We miss Raspberry dearly, but we also have too much love to give to another animal that it just seems right to give a home to these little girls.

I am grateful for our home.  We have a little condo on the very northwestern edge of Austin.  It has been the first place that I have lived in the past 13 years that has truly felt like home.  It is small by todays standards, but it is cozy and filled with love.

I am grateful for my job.  I have had many jobs in the past that I have loved, but this is the first one that I really feel like I am apart of.  I work for a small business that is steadily growing.  My boss and his business partner have been wonderful to me over the past year.  Being the only employee has been great.  Having the freedom to set my own schedule has been priceless and feeling like I am apart of something in its infant stages is wonderful.  I am so glad that I can be apart of helping it to grow.

I am grateful for my parents.  Just because they are lower on this list, doesn’t mean they have less value to me.  I could not be who I am today without them.  They have supported me with their love throughout my whole life.  They have guided me but have always let me choose which path to take at the fork.  I love them so dearly couldn’t have asked for a better two people to call mom and dad.  It makes me so sad when I hear other people say they are not close to their parents.  I cannot imagine my life in those circumstances, so again I say how grateful I am for them.

I am grateful for the money that we have in our savings.  I know that money is not everything.  I do not wish to be “rich” and money does not make you more powerful (at least not in my eyes).  But having a good foundation does make our everyday life a little less stressful.  It allows us to have the roof we have over our heads and the food we put in our mouths.  It allows us to care for the fur-babies that depend on us for literally their whole wellbeing.  We have dependable cars and can afford to eat a good meal for every meal of the day.  It keeps our house cool in the summer and warm in the winter.  It allows me the means to write this very blog on my computer using our internet.  I try to be as humble as possible when it comes to money.  I try not to let it rule my every decision and by living with less, I worry less about it.

I am grateful for my health.  I really try to do the best that I can for my body and health. I try to eat the best foods that I can afford and not waste.  I am vegan, which has to do with my health as well as the health of every living creature on this planet.  I try not to take my health for granted.  I love sweets but I try to remember that everything is better in moderation.  I always remind myself that you cannot out-run your fork and not to reward myself like a dog!  I consider myself a runner and attribute a lot of my good health to that passion.  And by learning to live a more meaningful life, I believe my health will improve even more.

I’m sure there are a lot more things that I take for granted that I am grateful for.  There are people in my life that provide services to my husband and I that I am very grateful for like our therapist and our vet clinic, hell even my hairdresser!

We sometimes forget that it can take a village to really learn how to grow.  That has become a sad fact in the past 10-15 years.  I feel like as humans, with the technology that we have available to us, have lost touch with each other.  I am grateful that I have learned of so many great leaders, life coaches, bloggers, etc. via the internet but at the same time I find myself feeling more distance from actually human interaction more than ever.  We are probably all guilty of this.  It is easier to sign onto social media and keep in touch with our “friends” through text and “likes” then it is to just sit down and have lunch or tea together.  But this form of communication can feel cold and impersonal.  I think as a planet we all need to come together for the greater good of humanity.  That’s a pretty bold statement but the sense of community is slowly disappearing and that is a very lonely thought.

So be grateful for all that you have and really dig deep and reach out to the people and places that are important to you.  Don’t take anything for granted and learn to live a more intentional life.

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Everyday

Turn turn turn

Fall, the autumn equinox.  The changing of the seasons.  I’ve had some major changes occur as I have watched a year of seasons go by. Sometimes change can be difficult to deal with.  Sometimes it can be a time to rejoice, but it is inevitable and no matter what we have to remember to keep moving forward.

Last winter marked a time of loss and of letting go for me.  I lost, what I thought was, my “dream job” and it was very devastating.  It made winter feel very sad, quiet, and depressing at times.  I mean what was I going to do now?  I had planned on making some changes in my life at the beginning of the year, but that was all under my own control.  With this happening the way it did, I felt a complete lack of control which became very hard to deal with.  This change, this ending of a season of my life, filled me with feelings of uncertainty, anger, fear, grief, and sadness.  It was hard for me to see any of the good that would come from it.

For the first time in my marriage I really had to let my husband take the wheel and be our sole provider.  We were not destitute by any means but I felt a little less value in myself because I was not giving back to our family.  He reassured me over and over that it would be fine and that all he wanted from me was to take some much-needed time off and to do the things that I loved.  That was hard at first.  I mean the things that I loved were not going to pay our bills or put food in our mouths.  I was very out of my comfort zone.  Plus there were days that I had a very hard time getting over the anger and sadness inside of me.

Winter changed to spring and spring brought a glimmer of new beginnings as I started to rediscover myself.  I have always enjoyed writing and recently had discovered a pull towards photography as well.  I have had this blog on and off for years but never really had the time to commit myself to it.  So I dove into writing almost immediately. I made sure to write almost every day.  I joined a “No Spend” challenge and had shared my progress, which helped to hold me accountable for writing something everyday.  I also found myself writing about my feelings and my running and my choice to be vegan.

When I opened myself up to the universe in this way, the universe gave back.  I had followers!  Actual people who wanted to read my blog.  I was putting something out there that in whatever way, shape, or form someone else found a use for.  That was very awesome feeling.  I also had all the time that I needed to sign up for and take 4 different photography sessions.  I learned the basics, the not so basics and about Abode Photoshop and Lightroom.  I love learning and I loved being creative.  I also loved connecting to a hobby that my father had the same interest in.  It felt like it was natural for me to have a connection to a camera because its presence was always there as I was growing up. Creativity was always a part of my life when I was younger as well.  Over the years I had forgotten that.  Life always had away of showing up and pushing creativity farther and farther away.  And when you start to disconnect from something like that, I think  you start to disconnect from your true self.

Summer came in shortly after and everything was just starting to get heated up.  I was starting to realize that what happened in the past was just that; the past.  I had started to learn to let go and really take in everything that I loved.  I went to the gym more.  I read more books then I had read in a long time.  I had forgotten the joy in that.  I had even found myself the perfect part time job within walking distance of my house.  I made greater connections with my friends and family.  And I shared a lot of it right here on my blog.  I really started to understand the force in allowing yourself to be yourself and not worry about what anyone else thought of you or your life style.  I am blessed to have a wonderful home, a husband and parents who love me for me, two fur babies that have been through everything the last 13 years has thrown at me, great friends, good health, a great new job and so much more to look forward to.

Winter changed to spring, spring into summer and now here I am, almost a full year later; entering into my favorite season of them all.  Fall.  For me fall is my time of rebirth.  I know that seems backwards but I have always lived in a hot climate so when the cooler nights and milder days start to roll in I feel sheer bliss.  It means the start of running season.  Pumpkins and fall festivals.  Hoodies and hot tea.  Everything that makes me feel warm and toasty and loved.

It also means that I have come full circle from last winter.  It’s amazing how true the statement “a year from now, this will seem like nothing” is.  When you are suffering within a hard time, it can feel like you are drowning.  Like nothing will ever be the same and the sadness will consume you.  But time literally does heal all wounds.  From time to time I still find myself annoyed with the past but not like I used to be.  I literally used to have bad dreams and ill thoughts that could spin me into a sad, dark, place.  I would let my anger consume me to the point of exhausting tears.  But I have come to terms with those circumstances.  The door that slammed shut allowed me to see down the hallway of new possibilities.  I no longer focus my energy on that closed door.  Instead I walk from (new open) door to door and allow myself to feel free.

 

 

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