Blogging, Everyday, Running

Gotta do what you got to do

Something that I have heard a lot of writers or authors say to aspiring writers is that some days you have to sit down and write even when you don’t want to.  Today is that day for me.

Writing when you don’t have the urge to, is like try to make a baby when you are not in the mood.  Come on hunny, I’m ovulating!  I know your tired and just got done mowing the lawn but if we don’t do it now, we will have to wait another month.  Sure it could turn out to be fun, and hopefully will pay off in the end but damn if you aren’t in the mood, you aren’t in the mood.  Ugh.  Everyday that passes that I don’t write is just another day wasted towards my dreams.  If I want my writing to take off, well then I HAVE TO write.  Just as simple as that.

I’ve also been feeling that way when it comes to my running.  I am currently signed up to do the Austin 3M Half Marathon at the end of January and right now I can barely get past running 3 miles, let alone 13.1.  My training should have started a month ago and I am in need of some new shoes as well. Excuses, excuses, excuses.  I have been keeping up with my strength training twice and week but my endurance is shot.  Plus, it doesn’t help that central Texas has not decided on what season we are in yet.  Running when it is hot and humid is why I don’t run in the summer.  Running when it is warm and humid and DECEMBER is just a cruel joke.  I am a cold weather runner.  60 degrees and under is my ideal running weather.  When it is 75 degrees and just as humid, I have a really hard time moving one foot in front of the other.  I did manage to get up and do 6×100 meter repeats on Wednesday morning.  Stupid me also did my first leg workout in two weeks the day before that.  My calves felt like water balloons ready to pop and foam rolling was excruciating.  Thank goodness our new house came complete with a soaker tub in the master bathroom!  Epsom salt to the rescue (along with some well, lets just say recreational plants of choice) to really help take the edge off.  Ahhhhhh relax-o time.  By Saturday I got back out and did my first 4 mile run in months.  It was rough but just like the baby making and writing, it had to be done.  And afterwards I felt really glad that I did it, just as I do now because I wrote about it.

But seriously, I need to get my shit act together.  Whether with writing or running (no baby making for me) it’s time to get back out there.

Advertisements
Standard
Blogging, Everyday

To be better

I was granted some much-needed time off from work for the next month.  The time was to allow me to start to make sense of all the changes I have been faced with in these last 6 months.  (For anyone that doesn’t follow me, to sum it up my dad got sick and passed away from colon cancer in the summer and now my mother is living with my husband and I.)  The most current change was moving into a new house over Thanksgiving weekend.  So besides my mind being a big mess, so is my house.  But as boxes are slowly disappearing and our house is feeling more like our home, I feel like I can finally get my personal life back on track.

There have been so many things that I have had come to a complete stop ever since my dad got sick.  The list of “I haven’t done this since….” has become overwhelming.  When you have to stop doing the things you love to start taking care of the heavy things in life, you can lose balance on your happiness meter quite fast.  Sometimes I don’t even feel like myself anymore.  I mean, I know that a part of me has now changed forever.  The person I was before my father died will forever be a different person now.  And that door will swing both ways.  In some ways, I hope to be an even better person in his honor but in other ways, loosing a parent has reshaped my outlook of life.  We take so much for granted and we tend to lose focus on what is really important.

Right now what has been really important for me is to get back to my writing.  I can feel this little flame burning inside of me.  I want to do something big.  Something important that will hopefully reach others in some way.  I definitely want to be blogging more again.  Through my blogging I become a better writer.  It is like a daily tune up for my skills (or lack there of).  And even though I’m not sure at all where to start, I have always toyed with the idea of writing a book someday.  Even if it is just an e-book on Amazon; it is defiantly something that I have added to my bucket list.

But I need to get motived and organized with my thoughts and dreams.  I am thinking about starting a bullet journal to help with that.  I have no idea how I stumbled across bullet journaling but I think it could be a great way to help me focus my time and my thoughts throughout the day, plus it will provide me with a creative outlet.  (Here is a great link that will help explain the idea of a bullet journal better.  And for anyone who already has a BUJO, please feel free to tell me about it in the comments!)

I would also like to take a writing class that Joshua Fields Millburn of The Minimalist offers to hone my skills.  The only real schooling I have had with my writing is a little dated (over 15+ years ago and very standardized).  I have always loved to write for as long as I can remember.  I won first prize in the literature portion of my elementary schools Arts Fair when I was in 6th grade.  I took creative writing in high school and college, wrote for my high schools literary magazine and have journaled for years prior.  I find it so much easier to really express myself through written words and I have a passion for reading as well.  Blogging has been a wonderful way to step into a new era of “story telling/idea sharing” but I’m not sure if my blog is at the level to really speak to anyone (thank you to each and every one of my 98 followers).

I want to make it better.  I want to make me better.

I hope to help heal myself through my writing.  I really just want to feel like me again.  I want to stop missing things and start creating new wonderful and exciting things and ideas.  I want to reach people and hope to touch them on a level that I never knew I was capable of.  I want to create.  To live.  To love.

Standard
Everyday

Happy Birthday Mom

Today is my wonderful mother’s birthday.

I wish that I could give her everything she would desire, but I know this year the only thing she would wish for is to have my father back.  He died on July 21st and both of our live’s haven’t been the same.

My mom loves to receive Hallmark cards for every occasion.  She has told me in the past that even if I was late with a gift, that I better always have a card for her.

This year, I didn’t get her a card (sorry mom).

When I was at the card store searching through all the birthday cards they all seemed “fake” and “cold”.  Something that a million dollar corporation puts out that really doesn’t cater to all of the emotions that a single person can have at any given time.  How exactly do you wish anyone a happy birthday after they have had one of the hardest years of their life?

All I can do today is to let my mom know that she is very loved and that my husband and I can only hope to live up to my dad’s last wishes to take good care of her.  I try my best everyday.  I hope you know that mom.  I love you more than you could ever know and I miss daddy too.  It is bitter-sweet.  With his death, he gave me my greatest wish, to have you in my life again and not with miles between us.

Thank you daddy and I love you.

The holidays are coming up fast.  We all will be faced with new emotions as we feel the void of our missing loved one.  I’m truly grateful that we have each other and we will get through it all together.  I promise that to you, today, as always.

I love you mom and Happy Birthday.

 

Standard
Blogging, Everyday

Feeding my fire

I feel like I need a reset button.  A control, alt, delete for my life this year.  End task now and restart.

2017 has been a really hard year.  I’m not writing this looking for sympathy, but to merely remind myself that even though things were treacherous at times, I have to keep moving forward.  My husband tells me that I am stronger than I give myself credit for but I need a break and a hard reset.  I need to look past the sadness and come out on the other side stronger than before.  I’m not sure yet what that might look like, but I have a feeling deep down in my very being that some big changes are in my future.

This year was full of changes.  I had to say goodbye to one of my fur babies after 13 years back in the spring.  I had never felt my heart hurt the way it did as I said goodbye for the last time.  Loosing her brought me to a different level of empathy.  And just as I thought I couldn’t hurt any worse, I lost my dad to cancer.  It went undetected for what was probably years, but took his life in less than a month.  I never understood what it was like to lose a loved one; a parent.  It feels like a small piece of your very being dies right along with them.  One of the two people who made you whole, who gave you life, is no more.  My mother lost her life partner of over 40 years.  Literally half of her heart and soul.  She had been with my father longer then any other signal human being.  I cannot even begin to understand her loss.

Loosing him meant gaining her in my life.  I am an only child and I was the only family she had left.  So she chose to pack up and change her entire life and move 1000 miles away to be with me and my husband.  We have all faced an array of feelings because of this.  The three of us are reforming the small family that I came from.  Years of being apart are bring us closer together but it is tragic that we had to lose someone along the way to get here.  It is bitter-sweet.

In the last week that I spent with my father he made me promise him to keep writing.  Yell from the roof tops about my beliefs.  To make sure my voice was heard any way that I could.  He had always believed in me and I want to make him proud.  I want who he was to live on through who I am.

This is one of the first entires I have made since he died.  I have been so tired and so uninspired.  I haven’t been writing, reading, running or really anything else that I used to enjoy.  Each day feels so long but at the same time goes by so fast.  But lately I can feel a small fire inside of me that keeps pushing me forward.  It keeps me from wanting to just crawl up in a ball and give up.  If I do that, then I would fail myself and worst of all fail him.

You only need one small spark to set the world a blaze.  

 

Standard
Everyday, Vegan

AMA Comes Out Against Serving Processed Meats in Hospitals!

This is amazing. Please spread the news and reblog this important break through!

JaneUnChained.com

Breaking News: The American Medical Association (AMA) just passed a resolution that calls on hospitals to serve plant-based meals and to eliminate bacon, sausage, hot dogs, ham, and all other processed meats! That is now official AMA policy! This is a huge victory for Physicians Committee for Responsible Medicine which has been pushing for this much needed change!

There is also good news about the AMA’s position on food options for the SNAP program, which will help low income Americans adopt a healthier, plant-based diet. Jane Velez-Mitchell talks to PCRM President Dr Neal Barnard, author of the hot new bestseller
The Cheese Trap!  This is why we all need to support PCRM.  #JaneUnChained

Resolution 406: HEALTHFUL HOSPITAL FOODS

RESOLVED, That our American Medical Association hereby call on US hospitals to improve the health of patients, staff, and visitors by (1) providing a variety of healthful food…

View original post 85 more words

Standard
Everyday, Fitness, minimalism, Running, Vegan

Living with intention

I want to live a more intentional life.  I want to eat better.  I want to love harder.  I want to exercise and get faster.  I want to cut out the crap and be more inline with my personal values.

I know today is actually June 5th, but for me it marks the start of many things.  For awhile now I have gotten a little off track with my eating (don’t worry still vegan, but being vegan doesn’t automatically mean being healthy) and with my exercise.  I want to incorporate better food choices into my diet and get back into my running after a brief, but very much-needed break.  I also haven’t been to the gym since maybe November?  My work picked up and my hours changed to a point that I couldn’t get motived to workout.  To be honest with myself, yes work did pick up, but I am still working under 30 hours a week, so not having enough time is not an excuse.  And my hours did change, but truth be told, it’s more about me not wanting to wake my ass up earlier to hit the gym!

Having a good balance between food and exercise is very important.  Even though I haven’t been eating as well, I am by no means overweight, but I have noticed that my muscle to fat ratio has changed.  Last summer I actually weighed more but the extra pounds were from the extra muscle I had built.  I would like to build back some of the lean muscle I have lost in the past 6 months.  I am not sure what I am going to do about the gym; whether I am going to rejoin or join a different one, but I am going to get back into my running, actually starting today.  I have joined an 8 week speed work program that meets every Monday and Wednesday at 6:30pm.  I don’t particularly like speed work.  It is hard and the Central Texas summer weather doesn’t make it any easier, but I am more motived to get back into it because it is a group effort.  I have a couple close friends that are joining the group and our coach, is my trainer from the gym that I have been friends with for over 3 years now.  Plus if you can run in the summer you will be in tip-top form for when the fall/winter races start back up again!

As far as food goes, I am going to try to focus more on whole foods; getting in more fruits and especially more vegetables.  Last week I went to see my new doctor (Dr. Linda Carney in Buda, TX) because I was having issues with dizziness, foggy mind, and my cycle had been going  a little wack-a-do these past few months.  Dr. Carney is a 100% plant-based, vegan doctor.  So many people have raved about her in the Central Texas vegan community.  She is located about 40 miles from where I live, but after meeting her I have absolutely no issues with the distance.  She promotes healing through nutrition and tries to steer clear of medications whenever possible.  She ordered up about 15 different blood tests for me, to help her narrow down what/if anything is wrong.  I go back to hear my results on Wednesday!  This doctors visit was the first one I was ever excited to go to.  I had no anxiety and I can’t wait to find out what blood tests say.  Dr. Carney had a great “bedside manner”.  She sat and went over a bunch of different things with me for probably over 40 minutes.  Asked a lot of questions and took notes on our whole meeting.  Her office has plant based resources everywhere.  From Forks Over Knives posters on the walls, to a book shelf full of plant based authors (many of whom’s books I currently own) and a website for clients filled with even more plant based nutrition information.

I mentioned that my female cycle has been off for a little while now.  Nothing too extreme but sometimes, somethings are just too much to let go unnoticed.  I ordered a book called:  “WomanCode:  Perfect Your Cycle, Amplify Your Fertility, Supercharge Your Sex Drive, and Become a Power Source” by Alisa Vitti.  The author takes a very close look at how what you eat during your 4 stages of your cycle (yes I said 4 stages) can affect your overall health.  While she doesn’t promote being 100% vegan, I am curious to read about what foods she suggests to eat when and then why.  I do not plan on adding animal products back to my diet but I am open to reading as much information as I can about how what we eat can affect who we are.   The book has great reviews, so hopefully I won’t be too disappointed at the mention of animal products.

One more thing that I am finding to be more and more important to my overall health and welfare is just living my own life.  Cutting out things that don’t add to it and focusing more on things that do.  I realized this past weekend that I had spent a lot of time on social media.  That time could have been used for far more important things.  I literally could have written this blog yesterday and then had time to write another one today.  I could have spent more time with all of our fur-babies more evenly (we recently got two new kittens and our rabbit I think has been feeling a little left out).  I could have went out and bought the rose-bush that we wanted to commemorate the passing of our 13-year-old kitty, Raspberry.  I could have read more.  Talked with my husband more.  Or just enjoyed the silence, that comes with the lack of social media clutter.  (OMG I just realized that I just checked my Facebook page, oh my phone, while typing this on my laptop!)  It is time to disconnect a little.  The Minimalist talk about how they both took all social media off of their phones and only allow themselves 30 mins or so a day to scroll through their feeds while on their computers/iPads.  I mean do we really need that much information at the tip of our fingers at any given moment?  No.  I know for a fact we don’t because I am old enough to say that I grew up without the internet (until I was in High School) and without a cell phone (until I was out of High School).  (OMG I literally just did it again!  Something live came across my feed so I had to click on it!)  We have become like Pavlov’s Dog when we hear our phone “tweet”;  we are zombie slaves to our little glowing screens.  It is time to make a change.  So besides changing up diet and exercise, I am going to delete all social media platforms from my phone for the rest of the month.  Hopefully I will live to share the accounts of my actions with you all.

Oh and one more thing I forgot to add is that I will also be cutting back on all alcohol and caffeine intake as well!  Man, when I set out to do something, I really know how to go to the extremes, don’t I?  Honestly, I don’t drink much of either substance.  Alcohol I am eliminating just from the weekdays, and will only have a drink with dinner on the weekends.  And the only source of caffeine I have is from my morning tea, but I also have plenty of decaf teas and herbal teas that I can use as substitutes if needed.  I love having the will power to make these changes in my life.  I am the master of going “cold turkey” and I can’t wait to see how I feel about everything in a month.  If you have changed up anything that you consider pretty drastic in your life, please feel free to share your story in the comments!

Standard
Everyday

Changing who is in control

Change is a necessary evil in life.  It can be so hard and so rewarding all at once.

Without going into great detail, my husband and I went to our therapy session last night and one thing that we discussed was being able to let go of control.  No one likes to feel like they are out of control, but there is a fine line that you walk when it comes to just controlling your actions and not trying to control the actions of another.

We discovered, when you inadvertently try to control another person, it can really change the dynamic of the relationship you have with that person.  For example, a husband and wife can turn into a parent and child relationship if one person is trying to control the other.  Most people don’t even realize what they are doing because, of course, we always think we are just trying to do whats best for our partner.  But maybe what we think is best for them, really isn’t.  And maybe it isn’t our job to point those things out.  Of course couples (or anyone in any type of relationship with another person:  parent/child, friends, boss/employee, etc) need to be able to express their thoughts and feelings about certain situations with their partners.  The person on the receiving end is also allowed to voice their opinions and feelings.  When we run into issues is when we try to persuade each other that our thoughts and feelings are more valid than theirs.

Trying to let go of this learned behavior is a challenge all of its own.  The dynamic of trying to control others is learned.  In both of our cases, but in very different ways, we experienced being controlled or watching people in our lives be controlled, as children.  My husband’s experience with control was that he never really had any control over himself as a child.  He was deprived his “voice” from a young age and with his lack of control, came fear.  My experience with control as a child was a little different.  As an only child, I personally always felt like I was in control of everything that I did because I didn’t need to worry about one of my peers/siblings telling me otherwise.  But I witnessed (what I feel was) the imbalance of control in my parents.  I had to laugh when our therapist asked where I felt like I learned about control in my childhood?  My response was “mom was always in control of everything”.  I literally laughed out loud just thinking about it.  I grew up in a household where if momma wasn’t happy, then no one was!  (I love you very much mother, and this is not a negative reflection of you, just the truth from a child’s eyes.)

As a side note, my mother had also learned about control with negative connotations.  She was forced to have to take control of her own life and her mother’s life/wellbeing at a seemingly young age when her father passed away unexpectedly.  My grandmother and mother both experienced a huge lack of control in their lives when this happened.  My grandmother succumbed to her fears, which unfortunately left my mother to pick up the pieces.  Right when she probably felt the greatest lack of control in her life (facing the loss of a parent), my mother was forced to literally shift from being a daughter to being a parent/partner to her mother.  She had to take care of everything because her mother couldn’t deal with the traumatic loss.  It was sink or swim situation and unfortunately it shaped her perception of control from that day forward.

Later in our session we discussed my blog post from yesterday about letting my husband drive my car (my baby).  The anxiety I was feeling from this was literally just control rearing its evil head again.  I was anxious because once that car left our house, I had no control over what could happen to it.  My husband could spill coffee in it.  Someone could park too close to it and dent our door with theirs.  It could hail today.   Those things could still happen to me as well, but in my head, I felt like I could prevent (control the outcome) them from happening if I was there.

Learning to deal with the anxiety of letting go of control is very uncomfortable but very necessary.  Later in our session my husband said he wished that I could better understand the traumas that he went through as a child.  That if I could just understand I would be able to understand why he does the things he does and how hard it is for him to change those negative actions.  I told him, that even though I may never know what he went through, I do understand how hard it is to change.  My letting him drive my car is not the same as the lack of control he had over himself when he was a child.  I explained to him that I understood that.  But the anxiety and uncomfortable feelings that come with trying to change one’s self is universal.  Letting go of past negative connotations can be very difficult.  Any form of change can be difficult.

But without change, there can be no growth; and without growth, nothing changes.

I think light bulbs went on in both of our heads last night.  We changed the way we looked at each other and ourselves.  We learned that our relationship is much more important than the control we try to inflict on each other.  I also learned that even though people can come from very different backgrounds we all face the same struggles as humans.  That was very eye opening and also a very good topic for another day……

Standard