I went to the 5:30am yoga class this morning because I love the woman who teaches it. But fate had another plan for me and instead of our usual instructor, the woman who instructs on Tuesday morning’s was filling in. I have done her class quite a few times, but her style wasn’t exactly what I was looking for, so it had been awhile since I had seen her. Don’t get me wrong, she is a great instructor, I just have a different idea of what yoga is supposed to look like for me.
She began the class (actually before the class even officially started) with a mediation. Normally during meditation you are supposed to try to completely clear your mind. If a thought comes into your head, you can acknowledge it and then let it pass. This morning was a little different and instead of clearing your mind she wanted you to picture yourself where you would like to be 6 months down the road and put yourself into that space. If you pictured yourself on a beach vacation, then you should be thinking about what the sand between your toes feels like. It wasn’t about picturing yourself getting there, it was about already being there and what it felt like. Like a child that is using it’s imagination. Children don’t think about what it will be like in 6 months when they go to the beach, they try to act out what it is like at the beach right now.
I was having a hard time putting myself in a place that I wanted to be. That made me a little sad because it made me realize that maybe I don’t really know where I want to be? Moving on from that meditation, our instructor began to talk about acknowledging our feelings and owning up to them. Like if you are happy, then you would say “I am _____, and I accept that I am happy”. Too many times we do not realize how we are feeling and we definitely don’t embrace all of our feelings equally. It’s great to feel happy, excited, in love, proud and so on; but what happens when we are sad, scared, depressed, or lonely? We tend to turn our heads, and most importantly, our hearts the other way and don’t allow ourselves to own those feelings. And when we don’t own those feelings, they tend to manifest themselves into other, negative, non-productive thoughts in our lives. We take things out on the wrong people or at the wrong times. We get so angry or desperate and we point the finger in the wrong direction. Owning these feelings makes us point the finger back right at ourselves and that can be uncomfortable.
Later on in our class our yogi began to talk to us about our parents and how as adults sometimes we want to try to change them. And when we can’t change them, we get upset and we may distance ourselves from them because we are mad. But as she stated earlier, we tend to not want to own up to our angry feelings. Why are we really mad? Then she started to talk about how our mother’s provided us with everything we needed for the first 9 months of our lives. Not only did she keep us safe and nourished but she provided us with all the feelings she was feeling. And she loved us and accepted us for who we were and would be from the very beginning. She never wanted to change us, only ever wanted what was best for us. Only offered love for us and did it completely selflessly.
Ok so by now I was in tears. I was so glad that for some reason today the room was a little less crowded and a little darker than usual because I hadn’t, until that very moment, accepted that “I am Ashley, and I accept that I am sad and/or a little depressed”. I truly already knew this in my heart. I knew it when I talked about it in therapy with my husband just two days prior. I’ve known it for maybe a couple of weeks now. I just haven’t been feeling like myself and I have been in a funk that has been draining at times and sometimes just sad. But once I accepted this, just this morning, I already started to feel just a little better. I realized that it was ok to feel this way. That these feelings do not define me as a person, but are just a season in my life. And seasons always change.
I miss my mother (sorry mom and please don’t cry). I hate the years that go by that I don’t get to be with my parents as often as I would like. I think about it how it will be when they are gone, and all this time will seemed to be wasted. Time that I could have spent with them. Sometimes I hate, that I really love, where I currently live. I wish that I hated it here so that I would want to move back home. But I know that I wouldn’t be as happy if I did.
Right now I hate the summer. I feel like I have SAD (seasonal affective disorder) but in reverse. I long for the fall and winter months. I hate being outside when it’s hot and sticky. I miss running. I want to go and run in the cool, crisp air. Sometimes I even think I miss the routine that came with working 40 hours a week. I miss my husband at times, even when he is right next to me. And I get sad when he worries about me being sad and he feels helpless and doesn’t know what to do. I worry about losing everyone that is important to me and in-turn being alone. I am scared that I feel this way. But I am willing to accept these feelings and work through them. I want to be able to picture myself as happy, but I don’t really know exactly what that looks like right now. But I know that doesn’t mean anything is wrong with me.
So I left my yoga class feeling a little lighter. Realizing that it is ok to feel the way I do and that I shouldn’t let it worry me or bring me down. Even though the morning didn’t start as planned it ended with meaning. After that I went and ran with my best running buddy. It was warm and sticky and hard, but I was glad I did it. We both were. I am looking forward to tomorrow because we are going out shopping and to lunch for her birthday. I like spending time with her and that makes me happy. After I left her house a really great song came on the radio; John Lennon’s My Sweet Lord. I was just about to turn right and head back home but instead I got on the toll road, and with the windows down and the radio up, I just drove. That felt good. That made me happy. I continued to scroll through more great songs that I loved. I broke the speed limit a couple of times I’m sure, but I felt at peace in my car, behind the wheel. I wanted to drive for a lot longer. I wanted to go until I just didn’t want to any longer. But life has away of bringing us back to reality so I eventually turned around and headed back home.
And now I’m here, sharing all my thoughts with the world. And that too makes me happy. I’m sorry if this post kind of jumped from thought to thought, but sometimes you just have to get it all out, even if it isn’t as pretty as you would like. I’m sure there are those of you out there that know exactly how I feel. And some of you may think I am just a crazy rambling fool this morning. Or maybe one of you is feeling scared to accept your feelings and I can only hope I helped you to realize it’s not that scary once you get going. In the end we are all alright.
3.1 miles 77 degrees at 8am
- Overall time 30:42
- Average pace 9:53
- Splits 10:14, 10:05, 9:27
- Average candence 174